Editorial: So You Decided to Date the Undead: Chapter 2: Zombies

He's Coming to pick you up, Barbara!If you have come back for this chapter, it could mean a few things. The first of which is that you’re bored of whatever it is you’re doing. The second is that you’re convinced now that vampires aren’t your thing. The third is you’ve done the vampire thing, and it was fine for what is was, but now you’re looking to play the field on the undead market. There’s so many to choose from, and what says bigger playing field than a zombie horde? Okay, you got me there. They walking dead are plentiful, and getting bigger all the time. They’re not as picky as vampires about who they let into their club (elitist vampire bastards!) If they were married in life, then they’re definitely off the hook, because death more certainly parted them. Most of all, they are far more honest in their needs and wants. However honest they may be, dating these shambling singles can still cause you far more grief than glee.  Whatever your reason for returning,  you’re here now and I’ve got a few more insights on dating the undead that might help you to make better choices.

Going back to the Oxford’s Dictionary:

Definition of zombie


1. a corpse said to be revived by witchcraft, especially in certain African and Caribbean religions.

  1. informal a person who is or appears lifeless, apathetic, or completely unresponsive to their surroundings.
  2. a computer controlled by another person without the owner’s knowledge and used for sending spam or other illegal or illicit activities.

2. a tall mixed drink consisting of several kinds of rum, liqueur, and fruit juice.

zombie cocktail

The zombies look prettier at closing time.

Definition 2 doesn’t necessarily apply to this, but it could have started with you drinking far too many of them.  This might have prompted you to date definition 1. The bullet points under definition 1 are there just for the sake of making sure that I was thorough in copying the dictionary. You can take or leave what you want of that. What we can’t leave behind is that the dictionary mentions witchcraft as being the way our undead date was brought back. As we all know this isn’t the only way to make zombies pop up out of the ground. It could be swamp gas, radiation, or even a good old fashioned disease that made them what they are today. Unfortunately, there’s no way of knowing which of these covers your type of zombie. So leave it to your old pal, Big Dog, to let you know the minuses of these things. Regardless of what did the raising, the issues are universal.

I mentioned that zombies are honest. I cannot give them grief on that. They know what they want and don’t care who they hurt on getting it. Vampires, if they’re bored, generally allow the individual to believe that they care about their problems while they manipulate you from the background. Zombies won’t do that. They will blatantly think only of their needs and what they expect their significant other not to do. When it comes time for you to get what you want, they just shamble off like they never heard a word you said.

So this begs the question, what are they so self-absorbed about? Zombies aren’t complicated creatures, well, most aren’t anyway. Your average zombies are mostly worried about dining options. That’s right, the zombie community consider themselves foodies, but don’t let that fool you into believing that they are. Zombies don’t have nearly the refined palate that they claim to have. They scarf down sickening amounts of meat with no regard for seasoning.  Salt, Pepper, Lemons, Fajita Seasoning,  will never enter into the zombie’s mind when getting his latest meal.  As far as I know, they’ve never gone out of their way for even the sassiest of barbecue sauces.   As to vegetables, you might as well forget it!  The only vegetables they ever get is whatever vegetarian that happens to come walking by.

Zombies like to eat it raw!

Zombies like to eat it raw!

That bring us to the point: what are you going to eat? The zombie knows what it wants; flesh. It wants raw, bloody, and screaming from the bone, flesh. Don’t bother to try and convince your new found love otherwise, they won’t listen (more on that later.) Even if by some miracle they did listen and stopped eating humans, again, your pets are the first appetizer on the menu! It pains me to tell you these things, but the truth is that most of these creatures have one dietary staple; us. When you remove this, the first thing that we lose is the pets. I don’t like it, but there it is. What this generally means for you is that regardless of whatever lengths you go to for their dinner, they are going to snack all the way to your place, when they get there they will eat the cat, and then they will have no appreciation for what you went through to make them something special. What’s worse is that not only will they be unappreciative of your effort, but will likely be just as upset that you used fire to cook the meal!

The one thing a zombie will absolutely refuse to let you use near it is fire, or any source of heat for that matter. Zombies are far more flammable than you or I, so there is a high demand on their part that you just don’t use the stuff. Oh sure, you’ll find some that don’t know what’s going on and won’t mind.  These usually are the first to get turned to ash, but then there are those that have a bit more gray matter in their heads and know something bad is on the way. These types tend to get violent, and that’s not something anybody needs in a relationship. Don’t put up with abusive zombies. The biggest problems with no fire is that means no romantic candlelight dinners, no fireplace chats, no cooking a meal. If you’re not on a raw diet, then this can be a problem. Even the microwave can get zombies upset. They just don’t have the capacity for understanding what you’ve done. They know it’s hot, hot means fire, fire means bad, BRAAAAAIIIINNNS!!! *Ahem*   This is another need of yours that will not be budged on.

She wants your heart... she also wants your spleen, kidney, and other stuff too!

She wants your heart… she also wants your spleen, kidney, and other stuff too!

If you think that’s the only warmth that your zombie companion won’t allow, then you’re in for a surprise. Unfortunately, on those cold nights when you need to snuggle up to somebody, that’s right out the door. Zombies don’t like it, the only sign of affection you will get is when you’re close enough to press your skin to it. You think this is a counterpoint to what I said?  Think again! This is like pressing a ham to a tiger’s face. You’re taunting it with a meal, you zombie tease!  Simple minds, simple needs, and it will stop at nothing to get a quick bite!

Now let’s talk about the really shallow end of things. We talked about glamours with vampires, but zombies have no such problems. In fact, the problem you’re going to have is finding one recently turned that wasn’t badly maimed somehow. If you’re not too shallow about things, you can find one that’s not too bad off and maybe you can spark that romance that you desperately want. On the other hand, decomposition isn’t going to stop because you’ve got the power of love on your side. Back off Huey Lewis, it just isn’t happening! They are undead, flesh will strip itself away. Maybe you went out on a nice leisurely walk and a dog started chewing on its leg, or an arm got caught on the fence. Rips and tears to the skin are bound to happen. If you’re loyal to your zombie the perhaps you’ll find a way to make this work. This also brings up another point (if you can work out the warmth problem) that intimacy can lead to other issues. Without going into graphic detail, just understand that in a zombie’s condition things will break, bend,  and shrivel away. This is the last thing you want to have happen in these moments. I cannot stress enough that there’s no amount of glue, stapling, or stitching that will fix this problem.

On the subject of brains. Your date will have very little of this. Sometimes they are more active than your standard zombie, and it seems we learn more about these by the day. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re going to get someone with understanding.  They won’t understand.  For that matter, don’t believe they’re  good listeners either.  You tell them to be there at a certain time, and what are they doing?  Shambling after your neighbor for being nosy about the fact you’re dating zombies!   They don’t care a bit about what you’re telling them. They don’t comprehend, and explaining will do no good. You’re wasting your breath. The vampire had lots to talk about, the zombie doesn’t, even if it WAS there at the time. It’s also not going to show you any signs of etiquette. No opening doors, no seating you at a table, no saying excuse me while your poodle is devoured in a gut wrenching scene of horror. Zombies are of few words and of blatant action.

This brings me to my last point. The one action that tells you that you’re not good enough for it. Some people say it out loud, not zombies. They just bite you, and there’s a good chance you’ll become infected and become one of them. Oh yes, if they don’t eat you outright, you’re made into one of their number.  Much like our fanged date options, these guys are riddled with all sorts of stuff that will kill you and turn you into one of them.  This might fool you into thinking you finally have the key to the relationship, that bit of common ground.  Nope, that’s when they decide that you’re just not unique enough to be around, and they’ll look for another living love interest. This is worse than vampire herpes, you have zombie syphilis. No amount of soap or antibiotics are going to cure this one. It’s just you and the rest of the group looking for the next meal. Not only did it curse you to roam looking for another date who will help you over this heartbreak, but it’s also left you with an unwavering appetite. Thanks a lot, you zombie bastards!

A guy who loves his mom and works out.  What could go wrong?

A guy who loves his mom and works out. What could go wrong?

My advice is to stay away from this group too. However, I know some of you just won’t do that. There are a few special cases I could talk you through, but I’ll give you the most eligible bachelor among them.  He likes wearing hockey masks and has a fondness of his mother, camping, and dispensing violence upon teens (and some adults) of questionable moral character. This isn’t a typical zombie, and certainly didn’t start out that way, but he joined their ranks just the same.  The plus side is he does  think more than your average shambler, and he is faster than you would expect.  He also has a great view of the lake from his place! The downside is his fear of intimacy. If you like it, you gotta put a ring on it.  That’s the only thing that will get you two that joint sleeping bag.

As to female zombies, sorry guys. I still haven’t turned up any that would be worth it to you. Most have been taken care of, and if not you’ll have to search them out.

Where will this take us next? Who know? But more is on the way! Stay tuned….